Thursday, April 3, 2008

Toilet bowl fishing

Okay, so I didn't share this in my "Birthday Report" because I was trying to make it sound all happy-happy-joy-joy (as birthdays SHOULD be) . . . but I, Irish Cream, was certainly not free from the April Fools' gods this year. That's right, friends. Mixed in with various birthday festivities was a very disastrous trip to the WC. I understand if you want to stop reading now . . . what follows is probably a classic example of TMI (too much info)!

So I stopped in to use the facilities on my way to our office cafe. Sitting there, doing my business, I became very annoyed when some chick came in and plopped herself down in the stall next to me (okay, seriously--what is up with these personal space inhibitor people? When there are eight stalls to choose from, why do you have to go and choose the one right next to me? Same goes for treadmills in the gym . . . I PROMISE, I DON'T LIKE YOU. I don't want you on the treadmill/toilet next to me. Go away! End rant). As a result of the discomfort I felt at having to listen to this girl rid herself of bodily waste, I rushed to finish up my own biz with the hopes of getting out of the ladies room ASAP and thus escaping from weird personal space inhibitor girl (I already hate enough people in my office as it is--I'd prefer to not have to add another one to the list, should she turn out to be someone I actually liked). I pulled up the pants, turned to flush and . . . OH SHIT. SHIT! What's that floating in the toilet?!

I soon realized that the mysterious swimming object was . . . my debit card. SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! Why do I put things in my back pocket? WHY? As proof that I never learn a lesson like I should, I have had this *almost* happen on approximately 862 separate occasions. After it would happen, I would bend over and pick my card up off the floor thinking, "Gee, that was close! It would really suck to have to stick my hand in my own pee! Hee Hee Hee!" UGH. My luck had finally run out. I stood there in disbelief, trying to figure out what to do. Should I just stick my hand down in there and go fishing? Should I flush and deal with getting a new one? Should I play the birthday card and beg someone to get it out for me? Definitely not. The only thing I'd like less than sticking my hand into my own pee is watching somebody else stick his/her hand in my pee. Yeah. That's just cruel.

After some deliberation (and angry groans from my hungry tummy), I decided I had to get that card out. There was no denying it. I waited for weird girl to finish up and leave, and then quickly stuck my hand down in there and pulled my card out in one swift motion, thanking god that I'm a runner and my "juice" is mostly water anyway. I then proceeded to flush the toilet and bust out of the stall to the closest sink. I tossed the card into the sink, pumped about 3 gallons of soap on top and scrubbed it as well and as quickly as possible (seriously, how would I explain that one if somebody walked in on me? "Oh, hi Sally! Yep, I'm just sanitizing my debit card here . . . you know, completely normal stuff!"). I finished bathing my card, and then washed my own hands for a good 5 minutes straight. I thanked my lucky stars that nobody walked in on me in the middle of this fiasco, casually slipped my card back into my back pocket (clearly, I'd learned my lesson this time) . . . and headed into the cafe to get some breakfast.

I must admit, I felt semi-guilty when I handed my card to the cashier--but in reality, I bet you that card is clean as it's ever been.

Haha, honestly. I sometimes wonder if these things only happen to me, or whether other people are just smart enough to keep their mouths shut when things like this happen to them. Hmm, who knows.

I'm out for now--but until next time, watch your back pockets ;)


*jen* said...

Too funny! If you hadn't said you learned your lesson I was going to suggest carrying tweezers with you in case something like that happens again. That would be quite handy.

I couldn't agree more about the personal space thing. "Are you kidding me?! There are 17 other stalls in here and you plop down next to ME?! What the...?" Maybe "those" people suffer from separation anxiety or some other detachment issue. Just a speculation.

The Laminator said...

At least you weren't doing that would be a challenge. Still, funny story. I guess we all have little bad habits that we can't get rid of no matter how hard we try